Tourist Trap Commission

I did this for a good friend of mine, who's graduating class wanted a carnival themed board with the faces cut out for photos. (For those wondering, yes, that's the bearded lady.) It's a 5-foot square piece on plywood with stands. I had a lot of fun doing this, even though it's not the style I usually paint in. Gives me some ideas, though...

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My Own Personal MonsterPic

I can't believe I never posted this! It was so much fun!

Eye Rant and Eye Rant...

Okay, it must be said. Maybe I'm the only one who thinks this. Or perhaps I'm the only one who would think about this. But here it is.

You know those things above our eyes? No, not the eyebrows. Lower. There ya go. Right on the lids. Those little hairs. I know they serve a purpose. Their one and only purpose is not to make eyes look prettier. It is to keep things, like dust or debris, or small animals, from getting in our eyes. What a concept! Sounds good, in theory. But consider this. While they are busy keeping things out, what is the one thing that always goes right in your eye?? A FRIKKIN' EYELASH!! Shouldn't we have a secondary line of defense against that first line of defense? Perhaps another row of eyelashes. Yeah, so when the first row tries to drop one onto our precious little orbs, we have that added protection. But then there's the chance that the second line of defense drops one of their little soldiers in. Really, we're screwed. Eyelashes defy their very purpose by not being immortal. If they never got old and fell out, we wouldn't have this issue. But no. Our tiny eyeball troops are as human as we are, and don't last forever. So they drop. Then we pick them up (or out). Then what do we do? We make a frikkin' wish on it before breath-blasting it into oblivion! You know what my wish is? I wish my eyelashes would stop falling out.

Li'l Chaos 5/4/11

Me: Trin, you might want to go in the bathroom and wipe your face. You have a big glob near your mouth.
Trinity: Okay.
Me: Did you brush your teeth this morning?
Trinity: Yes.
Me: Well, that's what it must be from, then.
*five minutes later, after she puts her shoes on*
Me: Trin, please go in the bathroom, look in the mirror, and wipe that glob off.
Trinity: Why do I need to look in the mirror?
Me: So you can see where you need to wipe.
Trinity: How do you know it's there?
Me: Because I'm looking at you!
Trinity: But I brushed my teeth last night. And I wiped my face last night.
Me: I know you did. And you also brushed them this morning.
Trinity: How do you know that?
Me: Because you told me! I asked you if you brushed your teeth this morning, and you said "yes." And now you have a new glob.
Trinity: *blank stare*
Me: *eyefork*

I've refrained, but I simply must say it...

...Will someone please shoot me?



Seriously, don't even watch the whole thing. You'll wish you were never born.
This is one of the most awful things I've seen on YouTube. And believe me, I've seen some pretty awful things on YouTube. There are too many problems with this to list. But suffice it to say that (1) this girl sings like a geriatric robot, (2) she didn't even write this stupid song, so (3) some stupid adult wrote this stupid song for this stupid kid. All the good talent flying around out there like the Wicked Witch's monkeys, and someone digs HER up?! C'mon now...

And then someone shot me. BLAMM!!!



I've died and gone to heaven. (Or maybe thats Hell.)
All is as it should be.
Balance has been restored yada yada yada...
Now get back to work.

MonsterPics #5

The Force is strong with this one!!

A Conversation with Oblivia (the 7-year-old)

Livy: I want to give Trin my dollar, because Julia spent all her dollar and I spent all my dollar then PopPop gave me another dollar and Trin and Phoenix don't have anything.

Me: But they don't have anywhere to keep it, so you might as well put it back in your wallet and keep it yourself.

Livy: I can just keep it in MY wallet for them!

Me: (facepalm) In your wallet! Gee! Why didn't I think of that?! (this conversation is hurting my head)

Livy: ...Really, Dad? You never thought of that??

Me: (facepalm number 2) I'm walking away now.

Li'l Chaos 1/8/11

I had gotten Trinity vanilla wafers and milk for a snack today. I put a small amount of milk in a tiny bowl, figuring we'd save milk and it would be easier to dunk and harder to spill. I had turned away from the table and headed back down the hall when I heard:

Trinity: Um, Dad... I spilled it.

Me: You did what?

Trinity: It spilled... (pointing at the bowl, which is now resting on its side in a puddle of milk)

Me: How did that happen??

Trinity: I don't know. It just happened.

Me: Well, I'm not sure how you pulled that one off, Trin. I gave you a bowl because it was supposed to be harder to spill! 

Trinity: It was a accident!

Me: Well that's a bit weird. Bowls don't just flip themselves over while you're dunking cookies.

Trinity: ...

Me: I'm just saying it's a strange thing to happen... Unless you did it on purpose.

Trinity: But I DID do it on purpose!

Me: ...

Another eyefork conversation comes to an end.

Happy New Year and some such rot...

Well, I hope everyone had a great, fun, and safe holiday. I know mine was chaotic. Not a bad chaos, mind you, just the usual that can be expected with 4-5 kids (depending on the day) aged 8 and under. But this isn't about the kids. No, it's about me. Hi, I'm over here!

(incoming sarcasm)

It's that time of year when everyone makes their New Years Resolutions and attempts to change their lives. Well, that's fine for some people. Not me. You know what my New Years Resolution is? To not have a New Years Resolution. Yeah, I said it. No resolution. I want nothing resolved. I want to leave life wide open. Come and get me. Every year it's the same thing, and don't act like you haven't done the like. We pick one (or a few, if we're feeling especially delusional that day) thing that we'd like to work toward for the year to make it a good year. Then we try to work toward it. Simple, right? Then halfway through the year, we've either forgotten all about whatever resolutions we made or have given up on them altogether. "Oh, I'll try again next year," we'll say. Uh-huh.

I don't know about you, but I've been working on resolutions year after year, and have only had a few go to completion. That's why I'm simplifying my life this year. This is foolproof, people. If my New Years Resolution is to not have a New Years Resolution, then I've already won! I feel good about that. Only a week into the new year, and I've already accomplished what I set out to do. This also leaves me wide open for random opportunities to present themselves while I'm not trying to do anything special. Because that's how life works. And you know what? I think I may do it again next year. (exit sarcasm)

That said, I hope you all have a great year ahead of you. Stay safe and sane. To quote Counting Crows, "Maybe this year will be better than the last."

Peace OutSide!

Monsterpics #4

My wife asked me to make her a Monsterpic, with her holding her fuel of choice. I don't think she realized what she was getting herself into. Here's what happened...

Crouching Monster, Hidden Raven

Monsterpics #3

Like we didn't already know this...

Monsterpics #2

HA-DO-CAN!!!

Monsterpics #1

I accidentally started a new personal trend. A theme, if you will. My wife, our friend, and I are all rather addicted to Monster energy drinks. It's my fault, actually. I've loved those things for ages. Our friend used to be addicted to Red Bull, but I've guided her towards the light. I could never get Wifey to like any energy drinks, until I showed her the glory that is Monster Java. Monster makes us all happy. At the end of a hard day, it's not the stiff drink that makes life easier (although the Irish in me does crave that more than once in awhile), it's the Monster.

As a joke, one day, I shortened the name of the Java she drinks (Loca Moca) to LoMoMon (Loca Moca Monster), and mentioned that it sounded like a Pokemon name. Inspired by that thought, I opened my GIMP (photomanipulation and digital painting software) and got to work. Within 10 minutes I had this:

I sent it to her with the caption "LoMoMon, I choose you!!" :)

Now, this is by no means perfect workmanship, but what can you expect out of 10 minutes during a lunch break? I decided, then, that I would continue this trend and create random MonsterPics. I'll be posting them here as they come.

Your Daily Dose of Stupidity (7/14/10)

If you were selling something like, say, a motorcycle helmet, and you posted it on CraigsList, you would expect to get a reply from someone who might know something about what they want. You'd think. However, sometimes you actually find those "geniuses" (or actually they they seem to find you) who have no clue and aren't even listening to themselves.

Such is the case with the girl who wanted to buy an extra-small helmet for herself because she just started riding. The sale seemed to be going on its way pretty well, with the girl insisting, after measuring herself, that the extra-small would fit. However, toward the end, when things were nearing completion, the girl had a final thought. I believe the parting words were, "I think I'll just keep looking, because I know my boyfriend's helmet fits me perfectly, and it's a large."

C'mon now. You know that's brilliant. There is, after all, only a slight difference between an extra-small and a large, right? In some delusional minds, I guess.

Uno. Dos. Tres. Etc.

You know, I used to be really good at the game Uno. Really good. As in, I won a lot. But right around the time my wife was pregnant with Trinity, those skills began to wane. I'm convinced that the child has somehow stolen my crazy Uno-winning mojo and gave them right to her mother. Trin is 4 years old now, and I haven't won a game in quite some time. Rae and I tend to play these long, drawn-out games to 1000 points, and they usually span about 6 months to a year before we finish a game. This latest round is very sad in the Jorjiverse. As it stands now, she has approximately 630 points. I'm almost ashamed to admit it, but I'm at a whopping 88 points. I'm not going to win this round, but I'm going to keep playing because I just love to play. I'm not a sore loser. I'm just a loser. Trinity, when you are old enough to read this, I will probably be at the point where I'm not scoring at all, and Mommy's simply tossing all her cards at the pile before I can even put down my first (after having to draw four a few thousand times, of course.) I want my skills back, Trin. I need to be an Uno ninja again. Daddy loves you. Punk.

Peace OutSide!

Conversations with Li'l Chaos (the 4-year-old) Part 3

A lovely bedtime story for you. The other night I went upstairs to help Li'l Chaos pick out some pajamas before continuing with the bedtime routine. She asked if she could wear her zip-up jammies. It had been a very warm day, and her room was still pretty toasty. Too toasty to be wearing toasty jammies, so I told her "No," and picked out a set of shorts-and-t-shirt jammies for her, explaining that she shouldn't wear anything with long sleeves tonight. She pointed out another pair of jammies, asking if she could wear those ones. They weren't zip-up jammies, but they were long sleeves and long pants. I explained, again, why she couldn't wear those jammies:

Me: Trin, I just said that you shouldn't wear anything long tonight. It's far too hot in your room for that.

Trinity: Why?

Me: Come in here. (We both walk into the bedroom.) See how warm it is? Way too hot for warm jammies, right?

Trinity: Uh huh.

Me: Okay, so put these ones on, and we can go downstairs and have a snack.

Trinity: Can I wear these ones tomorrow?

Me: Which ones?

Trinity: (Holding up the shorts set) These ones.

Me: What would you wear tonight?

Trinity: Those ones. (Once again, indicating the long sleeve set.)

Me: Trin, I just finished explaining to you that it's too hot for those.

Trinity: Why?

Me: Because it was hot out today, and it's still hot in your room, and you will be too hot if you put those ones on! Do you understand??

Trinity: (looking straight up at the ceiling, with a brief, thoughtful pause.) ...Last time it was my birthday.

Me: Please just go downstairs...

I like to refer to conversations like these as "Eye-Fork Conversations" because by the end of the conversation, I want to stick a fork in my eye. I love my kids. And I'm fairly certain I'll also love being in that padded room, wearing my nice, new I-love-me jacket sometime when they're all teens.

Peace OutSide!

This Topic Has No Topic

I'm writing to rant, and ranting to write.
Here are some things I hate:

-VW Beetle drivers who take WIDE turns. Seriously?

-Drivers who go out of their way to cut you off so they can continue to go slow without anyone in their way.

-Not being able to talk to an actual human being on the phone when I call customer service numbers.

-Talking to human beings who I can't understand when I call customer service numbers. "Yeah, can I get the automated voice back, please? It was more helpful than you."

-The "Stand Clear - Automatic Sliding Door" stickers. WTF?? Why am I going to stand clear?? If it swings out and hits me, IT'S BROKEN!

-Broken automatic sliding doors. Man, I feel dumb standing in front of this thing, after almost walking into it.

-When one side of a double door is locked. I almost always choose the locked one to try to open. Someone is seriously out to make me feel like an idiot. Unlock them both! Just in case I feel the sudden need to burst through them like a super hero!

*disclaimer - may be considered icky*
-Urine on the floor of the men's room. Dude, it's not that big. Take a step in. We're aiming (pun intended) for cleanliness here, not distance.

-People who set their cell phone to "speaker" and then HOLD IT IN FRONT OF THEIR FACE ANYWAY. (I drive past these geniuses on a regular basis.) You're not thinking this through, are you? You've got the damn phone IN YOUR HAND! What's the difference between holding it to your ear and holding it in front of your face?! A few inches, maybe? Either buy yourself a mount, so you can use the speaker feature without looking like a complete loser, or just talk on it like a normal, sane, pre-cancerous human being. Better yet, hang up and drive, because you are obviously incapable of logical thought with that thing in your hand.

-Ketchup juice. yeah, I said it.

-Cold pizza. Sorry, I just can't do it.

-Tomatoes. Here's where I'm weird. (Shoosh, I know what you're thinking.) I like just about everything that's made with tomatoes, but I can't stand actual tomatoes. It's a very strange, alien, larval fruit-thing. Nice-looking on the outside, slime and seeds on the inside. Sorry, but I prefer my fruit to be solid all the way through. Tomatoes aren't done yet. Ever. Peppers are made right, but I don't like them, either.

-People who, when they cross the street in front of your car on foot, run halfway, then stop to walk once they are in front of you. It's as if they are saying, "Whoa, I gotta hurry up before they change their mind!" Then, "Haha, you can't go now because I'm here." Sometimes I just want to start rolling forward when they do that. Maybe it'll scare them into continuing that little sprint they didn't want to finish.

I guess I lied. We had a topic. A somewhat angry topic, but oh well. I hope you're at least somewhat amused. There are, of course, plenty of other things that tick me off, but my anger tank is empty. I'm off to enjoy the nice weather. The sun makes me happy. Right before it burns my eyeballs out of my head.

Peace OutSide!

My "New" Gadget

Enough about the iPad. Really, I've kinda had my fill. I'm sure it's novel and all (pun intended, since it's said to be a Kindle/Nook killer) but I've got something better. Not many people know about it, but it's been around for awhile, under the radar.

It's called the iPad Small. Trust me, it's great. Not only can you do almost everything a full-sized iPad does, but it FITS RIGHT IN YOUR POCKET! Wow! Check this out!

Amazing.

(Disc-lame-er: There is no such thing as an iPad Small. It's actually an iPod Touch/iPhone. The iPad doesn't really exist either. It's just an iPod Giant.)

The Future is Now!

Company: Hewlett-Nintendonysoft

Product: The most complete gaming/social networking/computer entertainment system ever created. It's called the PlayWiiFaceBoxStation3-60.

Operating System: HN Windinux SnowTiger X (with optional downgrade to Windows 7 or Vista, one of which will not work, ever)

Interface: Choice or combination of Keyboard/Mouse and/or sixaxis motion joymotestickchuk (comes with flashlight and lolipop, batteries not included)

Some Launch Titles:
*Hewlett-Nintendonysoft Office Suite 2015 Professional Plus Minus Longdivision
*Super Final Mario Fantasy XX ODST Universe
Text of Duty: Modern Warcraft 8
Left for Zelda 3: Resident Hero 6: Fatal Final Fallout 4: Boomstick
Adoborel Dreamphotofireshop Publishworks Pro
Sonic the Hedgehog

MSRP $5,999.98

Wow! All this for LESS THAN $6,000!!

*titles included with purchase

-----------------------------------------------

(Super Final Mario Fantasy XX ODST Universe comes with a free six-minute MMO trial, before you pay the minimal $50/day fee. 0.06% discount for those who pre-pre-order!!)

Conversations with Li'l Chaos (the 3-year-old) Part 2

So, I'm in the kitchen, cutting a lemon, when I hear a small voice from the dining room ask, "Daddy, am I a freak?"

"Yes, Trin. Yes, you are most certainly a freak."
"I know I'm a freak."
(insert brief silence here)
"Freak freak freak freak. Freak freak freeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaak. I'm a freak."
"Yup, you're a freak."

My daughter's a freak.
The end.